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I had to check which group I had logged into through Tapatalk. I wasn’t sure I was in the right place. Anyway, I tell my story and throw in my 2¢.

This is not going to be a short story.

I met my wife over the computer before the internet days. I’m sure you younger people are wondering how that could be. You older guys might remember the old BBS’s. In the early 90’s I would log onto them all the time. Most of the local ones supported 4 to 8 users at a time. Anyone that was signed in could see who else was signed on and strike up a conversation. There was a lot more to the BBS’s but that’s an entirely different subject. Anyway, I found an ad about a local one in a free paper and signed on. It only supported 2 users.

One Wednesday night I signed on and struck up a conversation with the other user. To be honest, I was just trolling for some action. I was 22 and everything I did was decided by my d*ck. But I wasn’t completely stupid. I got her number and called her the next day. We went out on Friday. Physically, she wasn’t anything like what I would have described as the type I was looking for but we had a great time. I don’t advise anyone to start a relationship the way we did but that Friday night my pecker was calling the shots and my pecker went to bed happy. But fortunately for me, we hit it off. The daily sex sure as hell didn’t hurt things. But after only knowing each other for 10 days, I proposed and she accepted. We got married 6 months later. That was 26 years ago and I’d still rather spend time with my wife than anyone else on this earth.

The last 26 years hasn’t been smooth sailing. There were times I though we were done for. There were times I wanted to pack my stuff and leave. I guess it was a good thing I didn’t have anywhere to go because we were forced to work things out. We still argue and fight and it’s always about the same 3 things: money, sex, the kids. Even though our boys are grown and living on their own, there are issues that arise where she caves in to what they want or she doesn’t insist they do what they should do. I stress responsibility with our boys. My youngest never gives me cause to complain but my oldest put his friends and his recreational plans before anything involving family.

Here’s my advice to people thinking about getting married.

1) If you consider divorce and option, don’t get married. If you see that as a way out, you won’t be motivated to work through the obstacles you face.

2) Make sure you’re in agreement about sex. My wife and I screwed every single day she wasn’t on her period until she got pregnant with our first child. BTW, that was after the proposal but before the wedding. Ever since she got pregnant, it’s been a constant battle. She couldn’t take 15 minutes away from being “mommy” to be my lover. Our boys slept in the bed with us until my oldest was 11 years old. I would go MONTHS with no sex just because my wife wouldn’t put forth enough effort one day a week for me. It was just Fall that I ended a 2 year streak of forced celibacy be she was just didn’t feel like it. I’d be satisfied with a “once a week” preplanned for Saturday afternoon. I wouldn’t even ask the rest of the week because I’d know Saturday afternoon wasn’t far off. But even now it’s going on 2 months of NOTHING. But even with a nonexistent sex life, I don’t want to spend my time with anyone but my wife.

3) Agree on how the kids will be punished. When I was a kid, I got my but whipped regularly. I wasn’t beaten. My mother would use a belt or her hand or, if I really screwed up, a switch. But I can say with one exception, those butt whippings were justified and it was the fear of a whipping that often kept me in line. My boys were just like I was as a kid. But my wife was the kind of kid that never got spanked because she was afraid of disappointing her parents. Disappointment never entered my mind as a kid. My wife expected our boys to behave the way she did as a kid. So when I’d go to spank them, they’d hide behind momma. I’d ask her why she wouldn’t help me and she said she didn’t want them to think we were gaming up on them. Fortunately, our boys turned out OK. Our oldest now says we should have soaked him more as a child. I offer to make things right but he says it’s too late. Our youngest used to say “Spanking isn’t necessary. You can reason with a child of any age.” That’s so damn funny. He’s changed his position on reasoning with children a bit. He has seen the flaw in that reasoning but he’s still opposed to corporal punishment.

4) Do your finances together unless one of you just wants nothing to do with it. But it’s best that both of you fully understand your financial situation. I’d elaborate more on finances but it’s late and I’m tire.


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Grey Friar
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She must be a good conversationalist. I don't know how you two talk to each other, but try speaking to her in more romantic terms, if you don't already. Compliments about her character, looks, and things she likes, may help her feel more open to sex, also affectionate touching... just a suggestion from an outsider, even though that would not have helped with the divorce between the mother-of-my-children and me... it does go a long way to making my present wife/soul-mate comfortable, happy, and contributes to us both being interested in affectionate physical contact that often leads to sex. 2 cents...

I used physical pain to get the attention of my kids when they were at the young age of reaching into knife drawers and climbing on ovens tops and poking things in electrical outlets... a smack or two does effectively get the attention of a child, when they are doing something dangerous/foolish. IMO, not enough parental power can be as psychologically damaging to a growing child as too much.
 

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I used physical pain to get the attention of my kids when they were at the young age of reaching into knife drawers and climbing on ovens tops and poking things in electrical outlets... a smack or two does effectively get the attention of a child, when they are doing something dangerous/foolish. IMO, not enough parental power can be as psychologically damaging to a growing child as too much.
x2^^^.....
 

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Every person is different. I could buy my wife the car of her dreams, shower her with flowers, and get her a face to face meeting with Donny Osmond (Her all time favorite) and all I’d get from her is her gratitude. Compliments get me no where. She’s prefer sex to be part of her past. She even said our relationship should be at the point where sex is no longer necessary. I pointed out that’s called divorce. I’ve told her I’m not going the rest of my life without sex. I told her I’m going to have sex and it’s up to her to decide if it’s with her or someone else. When our wedding vows said “forsaking all others” that didn’t give her the right to pull the carpet out from under me and say “where are you gonna get it now?” If she wants to be celibate, fine. But she’s not going to force me to be celibate and I’ve told her so.


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Yeah I would be gone. Sorry to hear that man sounds like a bummer.

I have an awesome wife. 7 years going strong sure we've had a speed bump here and there, but we continue to get stronger.

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Sex should no longer necessary? Whats up w/ that? I really don't understand that. IDK what went wrong, but having a kid sleep w/ you both & till 11yrs old at that. It should of gone, ''wait till your dad gets home'' she says. It really does no good for you or her to stay together. It really seems like she's not going to change, so why stay? As you know its not good for you or her. You know really what you have to do.
 

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Why stay? Because she’s my wife and there’s no one else I’d rather be with. I’m not bailing on a relationship just because we have problems. I don’t know about your vows but mine included “for better or worse.” When divorce isn’t an option, you find a way to make things work. But aside from sex, there’s no one on earth I’d rather spend my time with. Going to dinner, a movie, vacation, anything at all. She’s the first person I’d pick to do those things with. She’s not just my wife, she’s my friend. I wouldn’t ditch a friend just because they wouldn’t screw me.


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Grey Friar
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... When our wedding vows said “forsaking all others” that didn’t give her the right to pull the carpet out from under me and say “where are you gonna get it now?” If she wants to be celibate, fine. But she’s not going to force me to be celibate and I’ve told her so.
Sounds like she crapped-out on her end of that vow she made to you. She forgot about a couple of other people: herself and your kid. She placed her own demands/sexuality/ego/fear ahead of you, and she promised she wouldn't.

"Forsaking all others" includes "self", we're not supposed to place our own ego demands over the wellbeing of our mate. The whole idea is that both people are working on behalf of each other, and that makes them both stronger as a unit. If you don't have an "us" (a virtual being that is the combination of both characters/wills/talents together), then you don't have a marriage, just two separate people sharing expenses (regardless of whether or not you have children).

That vow is supposed to remind you that you are a "team", not just two separate people who care only for their own comforts [supposed to be like a squad of Marines, working on behalf of each other to accomplish a common goal, placing the life of the guys YOU count on ahead of your own life, and if each does that (they do) there is a better chance that all will make it home... but I digress.] Sounds like what happens to many people who end up getting divorced... one or both of them forgot to include themselves in the vow of forsaking all others… breaks in trust.

Sorry man, but there is another thing, it sounds like she may just be the proverbial "cold fish". No sex drive. That may be due to a hormonal imbalance, which could be fixed by a doctor, if that's what's going on and she cares enough to fix it. BUT her refusals of sex may be due to the ugly "Uncle Sleaze factor". She may have PTSD from being raped or molested by a trusted person, or a stranger, and has not confronted the fear and pain of power-loss and betrayal... too many women survivors of sexual assault hide the memory away in a dark corner of their mind, trying to pretend it doesn't exist and hoping time will make it go away without additional efforts... and she may not have told you, or anyone. Why not ask her if something terrible happened to her in the years before you knew each other... childhood, teen, young adult. She may not say, even if it did happen, but at least she'll get the idea that you know something is not "right" with her, and it may ultimately help her in life.
 

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Sorry man, but there is another thing, it sounds like she may just be the proverbial "cold fish". No sex drive. That may be due to a hormonal imbalance, which could be fixed by a doctor, if that's what's going on and she cares enough to fix it.

This is definitely the case. She has pain during sex and she needs to see her GYN about that. But I keep telling here there are alternative ways to achieve a happy ending but she has never been interested in that.




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To me the relationship sounds like two best friends / roommates living together that's also what my Wife would call it. A husband and wife have to have a physical connection of some sort.
Just like they have places that help men with sexual problems they also have those facilities for women.



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Depends on you as a person. I personally couldn't spend my life not having sexual activity. My wife would never deprive me.
If we ever went without contact for more than two weeks something is wrong with one of us.

If you haven't been to therapy maybe try that. But of course she has to be willing to go to therapy and open up about sex.

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If you haven't been to therapy maybe try that. But of course she has to be willing to go to therapy and open up about sex.

Do you have any idea what marriage counseling cost? Insurance sure doesn’t cover it. Overall, I’d say I have a happy marriage. There are areas I’d like to see improve but overall, it’s good.

I posted my story to share what I’ve learned after 26 years of marriage. I fail to understand what qualifies any of you that haven’t even been married 10 years or you’re on your second marriage to advise me on how to fix my marriage. You’re woefully unqualified. I value my relationship with my wife enough not to walk away over one issue.


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No need to walk away, just get the medical help (physical or psychological) that she apparently needs to fully engage in life with her mate. You're both fortunate to have love and companionship. Nobody's perfect, but we can all improve. I'm hoping you can help her improve... don't ignore/disregard the PTSD possibility.
 

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I look at it this way , if your happy with your other ( Wife / Husband ) then sex is a small part of a relationship between couples , If a person is ok not having sex and still enjoys the company then good for you ! There is an old saying best way to stop having sex is buy a wedding cake and that rings truer then many think , After having sex with the same person for YEARS its like anything else in your life ie cars , hunting , flying , crafts etc etc they get old after time both people get where they dont want sex as much its normal , then throw Children into the mix , work , Friends etc and life gets busy , I dont think everyone is "happy" not having sex but if your willing to accept that sex isnt on the table as much and you love spending time with your spouse , Movies , dinners , Vacations ,snuggling and that makes you happy then good for you and keep going , 59 years old this year I will have been married 41 years this year , 4 kids , 4 grand kids and love my wife to death what I enjoy most now is the time we spend from day to day but like everyone here sex use to be a big part of our relationship but over time we stat thinking with the other head

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People need to learn to spice it up try new things. I work out at least four nights a week to try to stay in shape and keep the hormones working. My wife takes care of herself I take care of myself.She wouldn't deprive me I wouldn't deprive her sex is important to us.
if two people are totally happy not having sex it's probably because both of them have low libido. If you have a sex drive I don't care how much you love somebody you're not going to be happy not having sex.
To each their own. My wife and I have always put are marriage as the most important thing. We make sacrifices to other parts of our life to keep a happy marriage.
I don't think some people understand a marriage is about making sacrifices, but that is a two-way street. Marriage is about compromise also a two-way street. Both parties have to be willing to make sacrifices and compromises.

I married a wonderful woman. She is open minded, intelligence, dedicated, compassionate and helpful plus so many more words.

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People need to learn to spice it up try new things. I work out at least four nights a week to try to stay in shape and keep the hormones working. My wife takes care of herself I take care of myself.She wouldn't deprive me I wouldn't deprive her sex is important to us.
if two people are totally happy not having sex it's probably because both of them have low libido. If you have a sex drive I don't care how much you love somebody you're not going to be happy not having sex.
To each their own. My wife and I have always put are marriage as the most important thing. We make sacrifices to other parts of our life to keep a happy marriage.
I don't think some people understand a marriage is about making sacrifices, but that is a two-way street. Marriage is about compromise also a two-way street. Both parties have to be willing to make sacrifices and compromises.

I married a wonderful woman. She is open minded, intelligence, dedicated, compassionate and helpful plus so many more words.

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I am not disagreeing with what your saying but you sound to the younger side and only married 7 years , come back when you have 15-20 years under your belt and read what you said and respond with a updated post , I think you will be seeing thing through different eyes , Yes if I was less then 30-35 I might would be saying you wouldnt be happy with out sex but as you get older things change with in a relationship for us it got better , more mellow our time together meant more , I still hold my Wife's hand , open doors for her , send her flowers etc etc

You absolutely can be happy not having sex , My grand parents lived till there mid 90`s they hadent has sex for over 20 years and you dont know a couple that were more happy and more in love , it happens in EVERY marriage at some point some just earlier then others , A very good friend of mine wrecked his bike by a drunk driver and dead from the waist down , that was almost 15 years ago with no sex , there still very happily married going on 25 years , guys get ED and many other issues , Woman same thing its no reason not to be happy because you cannot have sex

Tom
 

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Here is the thing though I take care of myself through weight lifting I've been doing it for 15 years religiously that gets your hormones going. Testosterone equals well you know. Obviously if you're paralyzed that's a little bit different you adjust to your circumstances well at least try. ED is totally treatable normally comes down to a lack of hormones, or poor blood flow from build up in your blood vessels. Some women take hormones through menopause because they want to feel balanced again totally their choice.

I worked at a senior center for 2 years. Seniors like to talk so I listened part of the job really. Plenty of men in their 70s and even 80s had women on their brain in that fashion.

If someone's happy they're happy. I'm just saying for me a physical connection is important I'm a physical person. Maybe in 10 years it will be different but I hope if it's for a physical reason we will both try to fix that.
Also sometimes women well men also but less common withhold physical affection as a punishment.That's why I say it's a two-way street if one party is unhappy without a physical connection that's an issue that needs to be worked on.

I want to make it clear if both parties are happy that is great. Don't care what they do or don't do as long as both parties are truly happy that's fantastic.




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