Thanks guys. I messed around with it yesterday (coil connector wiring looked good) and basically I just got frustrated with it. Modern cars are full of electronics, but if they don't throw you a code, it's so frustrating to troubleshoot. So I gave up and dropped it off at the shop that had done the timing belt and whatnot a few months back. It's just weird that it'll start right up and doesn't die but has no torque going uphill (20mph max,) and won't go over 3000rpm on the flats either.
I'll update the thread if/when he fixes it so we know what it was for future reference.